Traumatized By Ramen! 😳

I know that Ramen noodle restaurants have become a craze in the last few years. You see them everywhere. Popping up in towns near you. I don’t eat ramen. As a matter of fact, I haaate ramen and here’s why? 

When I was spending five years of my life living inside of the state Penitentiary as “State Property”, ramen was all I ate. We called them “soups”. When I first got to prison, ramen was .10 cents a package. That meant for an entire case of 24 packs, the price was $2.40.  At that price, ramen was by far the cheapest “meal” you could buy off of prison commissary. 

I have eaten ramen noodles in every way possible! When you are locked up, all you have is your creativity. I’ve eaten ramen the normal way, which is by submerging the dry and crunchy noodles in water until they’re soft. Then adding your “flavor” packet and eating it. There’s soooo much sodium in ramen flavor packets, it’s not good for you at all. So, alright that’s the way everyone makes the noodles. What’s some other ways that I’ve eaten them?

Let’s see! After you eat the same thing, the same way, for a while you have to switch it up. So sometimes I’d eat the noodles dry, right out of the packet, with peanut butter! Have you ever tried it? It takes some getting used to as it doesn’t seem appetizing at first glance. Also, the dry noodles are hard af and can cut the inside of your mouth lol. 

You can also have Top Ramen “burritos”. That’s where you open one end of the package and pour the hot water directly into it. After agitating the noodles for a bit while they get soft, you have a choice whether or not to add to your burrito. That means adding other ingredients. For example, there’s cheese squeeze packets that are hella processed. Think about “nacho” cheese that comes out at a movie theater. That is not real cheese lol. But there’s regular cheese flavor and jalapeño flavor for more spice. Then you take a meat stick and bite off pieces to throw into your package. There’s no knives for obvious reason so you gotta use your teeth. 

After the noodles have absorbed the water and are soft, you roll up the package from one end.  This will make it look like a mini burrito. However, the consistency won’t be there so you roll up the entire package in a towel or a shirt. After that you place that under your pillow and wait. A few minutes later you have the solid shape of a burrito that you can take out and eat just like one. There will be no liquid at all. 

The final and most extravagant way to get ramen is to make a “spread”. I hear it’s called “chi chi” in prisons on other parts of the the United States but in Oregon it’s a spread. A spread can be as big or small as you like but I recommend at least two packages. For two packages, you can use a Tupperware container. Spreads are basically the noodles plus anything else you wanna throw in. Noodles, meat sticks, cheese squeezes, hot pickles that come individually wrapped, honey, hot sauce, and whatever else you can think of!

I’ve put peanut butter inside of spreads. You can make “layered” spreads. Which is similar to 5 layer dips. Basically you just try anything so you can have a different taste since you’re eating the same thing every day. Spreads can be bomb. Really I’ve seen some creative ass dudes make some amazing meals.

Community spreads can involve as many soups as people put in. For example if you have 5 people trying to get down, they each put in 2 soups. Then you gotta grab a big plastic garage bag. Like one you’d have in your kitchen trash can. Prisons have a ton of these because that’s what you use when you are being transported. Trash bags are your “suitcases” for moving. It’s the same concept with the community spread. Throw everything in the bag except the kitchen sink! Lol. Add just enough water for the noodles to cook but not so much that there’s a bunch of liquid leftover. You want a bag of food, not soupy water. Then divide it up equal to what everyone put in and bon appetite. 

Whoever eats last has to do the dishes and take care of the trash. That’s the trick move right there. If you make a bunch of food, you wait until you’ve had your fill and then offer the last bit to someone “less fortunate” i.e. someone who did not put in on the spread. The condition is that they have to clean everything up. If you’re hungry, it’s not a bad deal right?

That’s why I hate ramen and I’ve NEVER eaten it since getting out. Now you can understand, why would I? I remember being in Prague, Czech Republic and talking to my yogi friend Melinda and she recommended out of all the places to eat this “amazing” ramen place. I went and checked it out and it did seem cool. Nothing like prison food obviously. I know you can’t compare packaged ramen to fresh ramen from a restaurant, but I just couldn’t do it. I could not. I ended up in a basement bar learning about the true history of “Budweiser” and how the recipe from stolen from Czech brewers and taken to the United States and made into an empire. But that’s a whole nother story. 

Do you like ramen? What are some of your experiences? Do you have any favorite ramen restaurants? What do you love about them? I would love to know. Maybe one day I’ll break the mental block and try it.... Maybe. 😜